I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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