dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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