I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
