you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
