I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
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all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?