You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
should my penis look like a turkey
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An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
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I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself