I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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