wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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