if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I touched a dick in church today
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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