There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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