just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
