i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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