hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
