It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
