Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
