I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
