so that wasnt chicken after all
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
