You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
