My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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