id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
