I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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