I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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