you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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