she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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