Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
