I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
