I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
