Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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