She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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