he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
