Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
