Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
