I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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