Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
