as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
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Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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