i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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