apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
