god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
