Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
