so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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