Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
