2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
