haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
