Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
