next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
