it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize