Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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