call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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