then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
