Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
