I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
