I just threw up on my dentist
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize