you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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