he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
