Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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