if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
