I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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