He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
