He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
